Out of sorts

I don't know what is wrong with me today, and yesterday, too.  I don't feel right.  i feel weak, shaky, lightheaded and hot.  i'm also constantly hungry and thirsty....oh, i hope i'm not getting sick!  I don't want any icing on this cake!  i'm trying to write my paper, still.  i thought it would be really easy, but i'm having some issues with the wording and making sure to put it all in 3rd person.  it just sounds boring and repetitive to me, saying "the student said...",  "the patient said..."  a million times throughout this paper.  I also thought it would be like a one page, and it is turning out to be more like 4 or 5.  Well, i hope Mrs. Damelio isn't annoyed with my paper being too long or boring.  I think overall i have really tried to make it interesting.  I guess i should get back to it.

Seriously

I feel so disappointed right now....maybe this isn't something i should blog about, i don't want to freak anyone else out.  Then again, people probably need to know.  I was so nervous about the midterm, and it turns out that i did pretty well.  Only to find out some horrible news regarding financial aid.  News that could mean the end of the program for me...really disappointing.  I have a part time job, but it is only about 10 hours a month, so i rely on financial aid completely to pay my bills and provide while i focus on this program.  Now, i'm finding out all this BS about loans not being dispersed until i am taking at least 6 hours, so some time in October.  Right now we are only taking 5 hours, and until they confirm our attendance for the other classes, that start in october, they aren't counted in financial aid.  Jessica and i went and spoke with Dr.Neid, and she is great.  she is going to try to help us anyway she can.  So, to anyone else who is freaked out, try not to...Dr.Neid will be coming to our class on Monday to talk to us about it.  Let us just pray it will work out somehow.  I am not a person to worry about things, but i am emotional and sensitive.  I don't deal well with disappointment.  What a mess.

catching up without getting caught up

Somehow i already feel behind on my reading and tasks that i initially laid out for myself.  I find myself up way too late pretty much every night...so if i seem lethargic it is because i don't sleep much, and if i seem cracked out it is because i am over caffeinating to compensate...not such a good idea.  i think i need to crack down and alter my schedule.

one of the blogs i read made my inner philosopher start contemplating.  i thought about my life up until now, and the good and the bad and the utterly horrible and the euphoricly stupid things i have done and experienced.  none of it seems to matter to me much anymore.  i feel so present in this time of my life.  i no longer feel regret for the things i missed out on, and i don't feel like i screwed up so badly anymore.

i remind myself that i am extremely lucky in many ways, i may need a tattoo to force me to recall that often enough.  i realize that quite often i get so caught up in the idea of succeeding in my ultimate goal that i miss out on the enjoyment that can be found along the way in the process of reaching that goal.  sometimes it is the journey that turns out to be the whole point in the end, not the end itself...i may need a tattoo for that reminder too...what do you think, jess?  do you have any ideas?  draw me something pretty...